The Autopsy

"I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch.  Apparently here at Riker's that means they watch you commit suicide."
-Det. Lennie Brisco - Law & Order

So one of the beauties of this golf app that I have on my phone is that it allows me to relive the horrors of the terrible round I played.  Over and over and over and over and over and over again.  Every misstep.  Every bad swing.  Every stupid idea.  I get the pleasure of replaying them in my mind because I have the saved scorecards right at my fingertips.

Isn't technology wonderful?

But believe it or not, the benefit to keeping track of all this information is that you get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth when you revisit that disappointing round you played.  For you see, the masochist in me will only dwell on the bad stuff when I just replay it in my mind.  The good stuff seems to be conveniently forgotten.  (And that's not cool.)

So when I broke down my last round of golf I learned a few things.  On my miracle, happy, fun-time round from the week before, I made 6 pars and 6 bogeys.  On my disastrous, lame, poo-poo round last week, I made 3 pars and 5 bogeys.  So by comparison, it wasn't that much different.

The next logical question becomes, if there wasn't that much of a difference, why did the last round feel so God-awful?

The answer is 6, 10, 12, 13, and 16.

No, it's not the Da Vinci code.  Those were the holes where I hit my ball to the wrong place at the wrong time.  For you see, sometimes in golf, it's not the mistakes that cost you but when you make them that really screws you over.  On each of those holes, I managed to very skillfully put the ball into a hazard or out of bounds.  And when you put a ball into a hazard or out of bounds, you basically lose 2 strokes: The penalty stroke and the stroke that you have to hit again to make up for the crappy shot you just hit.

So really, had it not been for those penalties, and you subtract 2 strokes from each of the 5 holes, I would have shot an 89.  Which is actually a wonderful improvement on the previous week.

But, "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a merry Christmas."  (Unless you're Jewish...Or Muslim...Or a Scientologist)