This ass-kicking brought to you courtesy of Van Cortlandt

"If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would’ve been a great shot."

Well, it happened again. Another atrocious round of golf suffered at the hands of my old nemesis, Van Cortlandt. Once again, it's not so much that I've played badly, it's the variety of ways in which I played badly that frustrated me.

The theme of last week seemed to be a complete and total inability to put the ball in play off of the tee. God I really hate that. I mean really. Just put the ball in play. I swear, if there was a hazard or an out of bounds area, I was guaranteed to hit it. If out of bounds was to the left, I would aim right and hit it left. If it was to the right, you bet your life that's where it went. Water hazard: Guess what...Wet ball. Sand: Get your beach towels and flip flops out because that's where we're going kids. Overall, very painful.

But in true masochistic fashion, I'm planning to go out there again today. You see, my thinking is that I'm simply not going out there enough. THAT'S why I haven't conquered it yet.

Did I mention I was demented?

Redemption!

Before you get excited, the title of this week's blog does not refer to my redemption. Alas, I have yet to be so fortunate. I am, however, referring to the redemption of the young, talented golfer known as Rory McIlroy.

As you may recall, Mr. McIlroy did not fair so well at The Masters earlier this year. He had a lead going into the final round then had a bit of a meltdown. Well, The U.S. Open, the second major championship of the year, has come and gone and Rory McIlroy has emerged victorious. And not only did he win, but he won in record-setting fashion.

Once again, for better or for worse, I've been inspired by this young man's resilience. Perhaps I too, can find a way to overcome my past shortfalls. That with dedication, hard-work, and a positive attitude, I can actually achieve the level of success that I have, heretofore, only dreamed of.

And if that could happen sooner rather than later, that would be great. Thanks.

Tales of Mosholu

"It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification. "

~Bruce McCall

Gather round kiddies and I'll tell you the story of old Mosholu. You see Mosholu is a golf course in the Bronx. It has 9 holes and some of the most narrow fairways that a man ever did see. It was once a mightier and longer golf course but the city decided to build a reservoir smack dab in the middle of it. But thanks to some very clever and determined folks, the course was redesigned and the people of the town could once again enjoy Mosholu's bounteous rewards.

That said, I have quite a love/hate relationship with this course. Love: 9 holes means done faster and thus agony is not nearly as prolonged. Hate: Narrow fairways mean REALLY hard golf shots. So I made my way up there last week and had some interesting experiences.

I won't go into a shot for shot recap, I will simply say that I did a lot of different things poorly as opposed to just one thing poorly. However, I did do a couple of things well. For instance, on the final hole I managed to hit my ball out of the sand trap (on the first try, mind you) and land it about 15 ft from the hole. I then sank that subsequent putt for a bogey. (How ya like me now?)

Unfortunately, a few really good shots never seem to make up for the few really bad shots. You'd think they'd just even out but they don't.

But I will say that I have been reminded that Mosholu is a great place to practice your game. They have a small driving range as well as a practice green and a chipping green. So I will probably go there a few more times before I tackle the beast that is Van Cortlandt. (Cue scary music.)

Pitch and Putt (The Remix)

"If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. "

~Horace G. Hutchinson

I seriously have to consider just keeping any and all future golf excursions to the Pitch and Putt style golf courses. At the very least, it doesn't wreak havoc on my self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, it definitely has it's share of rage-inducing moments. But they are a little bit fewer and farther between than on the full course.

Here's an example of one. I was on the 10th hole. It was about 40 yards to the green. I hit a beautiful wedge shot that landed about 6 inches from the cup. Practically a gimme. Notice I said, "Practically." I blew the freaking putt!! Lipped out. I actually think the resulting par putt was longer. Golf Gods: 1,285. Me: 8

That aside, I think my favorite aspect of the whole pitch and putt course is that the chances of losing a golf ball are reduced DRAMATICALLY. When the longest hole is 80 yards, losing a ball is pretty much impossible. (Knock wood.) Not to mention that you never really have to swing that hard. And the harder you swing, the farther the ball goes...out of bounds.

With the money I'm saving on having to buy golf balls, the pitch and putt is practically paying for itself.